I wish I could teleport
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
