Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I am naked and annoyed.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
