Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Shitshow foam night was such a success
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
