We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
