what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Of course I have a pirate flag
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
this hospital has no fireball
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
