I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Randomize
