Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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