That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Farmville is her only friend.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
