your parents love me but you hate me
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
