I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
