How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I don't deserve a penis
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I want to be your penis for a week.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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