I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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