There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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