when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
