...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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