I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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