I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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