my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Randomize
