I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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