There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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