Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I can text with my tongue
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
At least life still wants to fuck me.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
