i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Randomize
