I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
