you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
