You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
