I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
