Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
