I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Randomize
