Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
