also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize