its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I just gargled with NyQuil
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
