DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
