Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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