ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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