i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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