i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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