I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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