just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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