all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Randomize
