Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
