im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
