if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
