Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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