I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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