If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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