Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Randomize