I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
