can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
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