so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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