a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
