So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
