So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
