Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
