thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
