i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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