I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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