Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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