I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Randomize
